Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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