I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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