My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
