life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
