I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
