i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
