Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
