do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
