I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
