I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
3pm strippers are depressing
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
