i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
