watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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