you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
