If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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