Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize