yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
