Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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