So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize