I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
