Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
