You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
All I want is dick and wine.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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