just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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