well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
