I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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