I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
