Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
