Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
