She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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