I'm laying in your front yard are you home
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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