Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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