if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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