I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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