Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
