Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Enjoy the penises
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
