I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
