She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
