The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
