can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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