Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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