I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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