So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
