k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
