I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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