If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
