dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
