I am in a vortex of obligation.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
