i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
