The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
