he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
