Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
