saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
