Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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