i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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