blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
